Broken Heart? Here’s how to fix it

This is a very different post to what I would usually write.

But it’s actually one that I’ve had in the back of my mind (and in my drafts) for a while.

After having a conversation with a very close friend of mine, who I hadn’t seen for 2 years due to both of our lives being very busy, she inspired me to write this post.

She has recently been going through a very horrible break up from a 2 year relationship. It’s been about 3 weeks and she told me how she’s been having good days and bad days, but she needed advice on how to cope as she said she felt I could relate.

And oh boy, I sure can. 

As I too went through a break-up in January this year; where I ended a three-year relationship.

No matter whether you initiated the break up, or if you were on the other end of the break up, heartbreak can happen to anyone at anytime.

Even though I was the person to call things off in my last long-term relationship, obviously I was heartbroken, upset and devastated.

I felt a piece of me was missing; the person I relied on for years was suddenly no longer there, and that’s really tough to get to terms with.

You become so comfortable and so used to someone elses company, that you become a part of them too.

So when that’s all over, it’s just you left by yourself; leaving you to figure out who you are again as you’re no longer ‘someones other half’.

I knew deep inside that the break up was right, but for the first part, I was confused, I felt like I was all by myself, that no one felt the way I was feeling and I felt like my whole world had come crashing down.

But now, I think it’s a good time to write this post, because the break up is no longer raw, time has passed and I’d like to believe I can help others too with my own experiences.

8 months on, and I know it was the right thing to do, as I’ve come out the other end feeling happy with my life, and overall; I’ve grown to love myself again.

And I hope he feels the same with his life and he’s happy too.

I wanted to write a similar post a few months ago, but something stopped me. I’ve been debating whether it was appropriate to share my own experiences on something that is very personal.

But because of my friend’s current situation and her massively supporting me in writing this, I think if this blog post will help her, imagine who else it could help.

This is how I dealt with it and I hope it brings some comfort to others who are perhaps going through this horrible time:

How to fix a broken heart

Time is your best friend, and your worst enemy

This is something both myself and my friend agreed on. You need to give your break up time for it to no longer feel raw. Whether that’s not speaking for a while, agreeing not to see each other for a period of time or you need to cut off all ties with them completely by blocking them on everything; whatever is going to make things easier for you – just do it.

When me and my ex broke up, we agreed to keep the lines of communication open, in case one of us still needed to get something off our chests, but eventually we both decided to give the other person space. Over time, me and my ex have had the odd brief encounter over text, but there’s never been anything more than just a few lines dropped here and there.

And overtime, that obviously got easier to do.

On the other end, time can be your worst enemy because time apart from them may feel like months when it’s only been a few days or weeks.

If you’re the person who is on the other end of a breakup, a day could feel like is dragging on forever. Just remember, even a bad day only lasts 24 hours and you’ve got plenty of other days to make up for it.

Keep yourself busy

Keeping yourself busy will distract you from thinking about the recent break up. Keep busy by taking up a new hobby, arranging to meet with friends that perhaps you’ve not seen for a while due to being too busy with your ex, or going out will help you to forget things.

For example; I started going to the gym 3 times a week during the first few months of trying to get over my break up. Something which I have carried on doing since. I’ve discovered my love for travelling, I’ve re-connected with old friends I haven’t seen in ages, I’ve got more time for myself. I feel because of my breakup, I discovered new things I never thought I would love doing and I’ve re-discovered who I am as a person because of it.

You never know, that new hobby or new favourite thing to do may become your next love or passion.

But make time for yourself

But at the same time, I think you need to make sure you’re not keeping yourself too busy. You need to remember that you’ve recently gone through an emotional time, so your mind and body needs time to recover.

So don’t rush yourself. The one thing which made me feel better was coming home from work, tucking myself up in bed and watching a good rom-com movie; not because I felt sorry for myself by going to bed, but because I could. I could make time for myself and I could afford to do the things I wanted to do as there was no longer this other person distracting me.

If you’re feeling sad, it’s perfectly normal to be sad. Don’t put yourself down or make yourself believe you shouldn’t be upset. You need time to get every last bit of emotion out of your system before you’re fully ready to get up and move on. Even though I initiated my break up, I constantly questioned myself as to why I was spending most evenings crying my eyes out and I almost felt guilty doing so. I felt that I wasn’t allowed to cry.

And if your friends are trying to be supportive by asking you to come out and say “you’ll feel better if you’re busy”, don’t feel guilty if you turn down their offer. They will understand that you need time too.

Give yourself time to recover, don’t force a smile on your face, because the likely is you will eventually crack. When you’re ready to rise again, you will know.

Remember the reasons why you broke up

If you find yourself getting sad and going into that dark place, remember the reasons why you broke up in the first place. There were a few times in which I thought “Am I making a mistake?” “Have I ruined things?” “What if he was ‘the one’?” There is always a reason why you do something in the first place, so you need to remind yourself why.

It often helped me to make a list of reasons why we broke up. Pros and cons lists are also good for when you’re trying to work things out. I find writing everything that’s on my mind onto paper helps me to put things into perspective.

If the reason for breaking up is because they cheated on you, then you have an obvious reason for not going back (because that really sucks and they’re just mean) and it’s much easier to stick to your guns. If you don’t have a specific reason why you broke up with someone, then think of all the things leading up to your breakup that didn’t work.

I won’t go into my reasons for why me and my ex broke up, because that wouldn’t be fair and I think some things should be kept private. But all I’ll say is, there was a huge amount of thought, working things out, careful consideration and discussion that led to me eventually making a decision.

Stick to your guns. You’ll thank yourself for doing so and you’ll look back one day and think how proud you are for being strong.

It takes a lot of courage to walk away when you’re not happy. As it can be very easy to stick with someone because you’re scared to be alone.

Look forward to your future

The one thing that helped keep me positive and motivated was thinking about all the things that I have to look forward to.

At the time, I didn’t have much to look forward to. So I made things for me to look forward to. Booking my Topdeck Trip was an impulse that came out of my break up; because it was the first crazy thing I did after my breakup and it was the one thing I was afraid in actually doing whilst I was in a relationship.

The other thing that motivated me to keep going and to no longer be in a slump was thinking how every weekend was mine for me to do what I wanted. As me and my ex were in a long distance relationship, there was a lot of advanced planning involved, meaning every few weekends were committed in spending time with each other; which was fine and I’m by no means complaining about that, because it worked really well for a long time.

But once we broke up, it was a nice feeling knowing that every weekend was mine again.

Find something to look forward to. Whether that’s booking a trip away somewhere, making arrangements with friends or just being excited to spend time by yourself – finding the positives in a negative situation will always leave you in a better position.

Talk to your single friends

This isn’t meant to cause offence to any of my friends who are in relationships, but talking to someone who is single was really helpful. When a friend of yours is single, it’s easier for them to relate; plus, they can give you reasons why being single is great!

One of my closest friends was one friend who I spoke to a lot when I was going through my breakup. He listened to me, even when I spoke to him over 100 times about it, but he didn’t judge, nor did he get annoyed at me talking about it too much. He was there to just listen and give his advice as he could relate as he had been on the other end of a breakup.

And because he’s single too, he had the time to listen to me, whereas when I spoke to friends who have partners, they obviously listened to me and gave me advice. But when someone else is in the picture; people’s lives become so busy because they’re too focused on someone else and their own happiness.

But thank you to ALL my friends, whether you’re single or in a relationship who helped me and supported me when I needed you the most. 

That’s why as a single female, I believe I was the best person that my friend could come and speak to, as right now, I don’t have anyone else in my life to focus on, meaning I could give her my 100% attention and wholehearted advice; which I did and have pretty much written in this blog post now.

Heart

So there you go.

This blog feels very personal and is probably, to this day, the most personal blog post I have ever written.

But I was truly inspired and honoured when my friend said how much she admired reading my blog and how she felt a blog post like this would help her.

And I’ve been told in the past that I’m quite good at relationship advice and I’m quite neutral.

So, my lovely friend who I won’t mention incase you don’t feel comfortable with me mentioning your name. You’re going to be just fine and you’re going to come out on top of this; because I know you’re strong.

Here’s a line which has become my favourite piece of advice that I was given:

Now. Take a moment; then stand back up and straighten your crown.

If you’re going through a breakup, or know anyone else who is, I hope this post will bring some comfort to you/them.

Remember, you are the creator of your own happiness.

Lots of love

Nicole x

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