I wrote this down in my notes on my iPhone, because I needed a way to take all the sadness out of my mind and put it onto paper (or an electronic notepad in this case) as I needed a way to vent.
It’s a strange old thing grief.
It constantly feels like you’re in a dreamland. Nothing seems real yet nothing seems totally unrealistic. You’re in this weird world where everything is moving fast around you, yet you feel completely still.
I’m almost 24 years old and grief is something that I have never experienced on a deep level before. I’ve never had a relative who has passed away that I have remembered. My Grandma passed away when I was 4, which I remember little bits of, but at that age, you don’t really understand it.
This is my first time where I have understood everything, yet nothing can really prepare you for what you should expect or how you should feel.
When you’re 23, you understand perfectly what a loved one dying means. You know it’s going to be horrible, but you can’t quite prepare yourself for how bad it’s going to feel.
Especially when it’s for someone who is your favourite relative in the whole wide world. Someone who I thought could never be caught by such a horrid illness as cancer.
My Grandad wouldn’t of wanted me to cry for him and to stop everything in my life to cry over him. He knew his time was coming, he wasn’t stupid, but he would want us to carry on with our lives and live it out to the fullest. He was a man of wisdom and was the most intelligent person I ever had the pleasure of knowing. And I honestly thought because of that, he would live forever.
But sadly, as the Echo and the Bunnymen song goes, Nothing lasts forever.
I find writing things down over and over again and talking about it is my way of dealing with it.
Writing has always been therapeutic to me and I know there are plenty of people out there who have had to deal with something like this, because I believed I was the only one feeling like this, but turns out plenty of people have felt like this.
But I guess I wasn’t quite prepared on how hard the reality would hit me.
I know he’s looking down on me and will forever look after me, because I now know I have another angel up in heaven looking down on me, along with my Grandma who he is now reunited with after 20 years.
In time, I’ll be okay, because I know my Grandad went out in the best possible way. He faced the consequences of his end head on, with no hesitation and with no tears or fear. He knew his time was here and he knew he was ready to say goodbye, even though he knew how hard it would be for the rest of us he would be leaving behind.
I am incredibly lucky to say that I was able to say goodbye to him properly and that he was still able to recognize me, he was still able to hold my hand and smile in my direction and he was able to tell me he loved me and I was able to tell him that I loved him too.
He had the most incredible life. He lived 83 years where he was able to travel the world – a trait which I can certainly blame him for. He was the man who introduced the Wizard of Oz to me and the reason why I love that film so much and he was the man who took me for my first trip to Prague, a place that will forever hold special memories for me.
But overall, he left this world on a high. With his family surrounding him, he had no pain and he simply fell asleep peacefully. And I know that his spirit was able to walk again where he walked straight into the sunset.
I love you Grandad, forever x